Democracy? Not so much.

Let me start out by saying Thank you.  The out pouring of kindness, emotion, truth and love from all of you over the past weeks is amazing.  I have never been so sure of myself, then these last few weeks.  I have cried, hidden, yelled, woken up with nightmares, and loved.  I have admitted, and faced fears, that I had not faced before.  You have all given me something to keep me going.  And some of you have given me things that I did not want to hear but had to.  It is not always a rose garden out there, but, it is the truth that needs to be told in order to move on, and allow oneself to live again.  So, I am grateful to each and everyone of you who have reached out to me and given me strength.  Moving on, I will, and it may not be a walk in the park at times, but I will move.

After I wrote what I was going through recently I was due in court the following week.  Working up to that day in court was horrible.  I often would wake at 2am and not fall back asleep, I would dream of death, and watching my childrens bodies buried in the earth.  I would visualize car crashes with unexpected drivers, my friends, family members, or the occasional wildlife.  It was I am sure stress related, and the fact that my body was withdrawing from something that used to numb all these feelings. Court day arrived, I had not had any contact with my lawyer except a letter, It said "court sentence is at 1:30, be there at 1:00"...no call, no chat, no questions.

Court:  The most humilatating place on earth.  I was surrounded by people, who shook hands with friends that they have not seen in awhile, " hey, what are you in here for?", " Oh, they said they fucking found pot on my body, and I was driving under perscribed drugs, fucking idiots, they told me I had to go to crash, Fuck them, I'm not going, fucking idiots."  " Dude, what up?", "Seriously, that fucking bitch, she needs to be taught a lesson"..." shit man, this is your 4th offense"  My heart was pounding, in fact so much that I thought I might faint...my lawyer walked by me and didn't even look at me. It was 1:30, 5 cases later, he called my name, and when I said "right here", 2 inches from where he was, he said "oh, I walked right by you."...." We are gonna have a tough one here,"   my heart sank, after all I thought we were here for a child endangerment ruling, and I wanted to argue that my child was in a seat belt and not in a booster because she is beyond the requirements to be in a booster.  Well that didn't happen, they were actually charging me with cruelty to a child, and slapping on the DWI.  I felt sick.  Hot, Like I was about to vomit.  I had to pee, but could not go to the bathroom because they may call my name to go into the courtroom.   10 minutes later my lawyer comes out, I am the last one he has come to talk to.  " those fuckers want to charge you with cruelty, unless you plead guilty to DWI"...just as the ball drops, the baliff comes in and says " the court is in order" ....No time to discuss, just whether or not you want me to fight this, or plead quilty....If I fight it and lose...I have DCWF on my case for the next 10 years, if I plead quilty, I lose my license for 30 days and complete a Crash course.  With 5 DWI's in front of me... the judge was magnificent, knowing that he was dealing with a situation that was bad timing, and unfortunate, he actually humored me.  Being that is was the day that the Lamoille shooter was in town, and the 2 police officers that were there at the scene of the crash, showed up at the last minute, I was the one that was to be made an example of.

I pleaded quilty.  I am a mentor, of young children, a kind person to those who know me, I will go out of my way to help those who need it, and I will not allow child cruelty to be any where associated with my name...and facts are facts, I was driving with a blood alcohol content above the legal limit.


Fucked.  My lawyer postponed the sentence, I don't know why, because he has not really talked to me about it.  My sentencing is now in November...When it is cold, and hard to bike to places I may need to bike to.  It is another day, that the courts will spend money, to answer a punishment they already know is fordue.  It is a corrupt system.

This is only the beginning of what I have just unravelled.  The system that we believe in, our democratic rights, our freedom, our ability to trust in the system, is all but a farce.  What it comes down to is how much money you have, and how many people you can pay off.  Now wonder the people who have nothing and depend on a public defender, have no hope, they are never going to win.  It is a terifying feeling, walking into a courthouse.  The abuse of power is everywhere.  There are no friends, and no feelings of hope...it is desperate,   I am guilty.
 I can only imagine what it is to commit a crime that requires jail time, prison, or loss of life.  This system of ours is wrong.   I am a stronger person, for seeing what I have just not wanted to see.  Open your eyes people and remember, it only takes a second, to change your life.