I have been awakened to a reality recently, that put my life in danger and more importantly that of the beings I could not live without...I am talking about my children, Sydney and Berkeley. They make me get up in the morning, come home at night, and more importantly fill me with importance. I could have taken that away, in one swift moment of misjudgement. And I could have taken it away from another family, or soul...how you ask did this happen, why would I put the things I love to the moon and back in such danger, well that is easy...I crashed my car into a telephone pole, at 35-40 mph, after a wedding. It was the best day, and the worst day, all at the same time. It hurt, it sucked, it ruined property, but most importantly it endangered my most beloved things on earth.
I have hidden my desire to hide the pain in my heart, the constent need to feel loved, the need to feel wanted, the pain I suffered from not fully allowing myself to let go of something that had happened to me ...what did I numb myself with, alcohol. I hated myself, for letting someone else take from me, my personality, my being. my self. I drank to hide my anger, my distrust of myself, I drank to forget.
I was an amazing drunk to my friends...I was happy, funny, sexy, "the life of the party", I was comfortable. Habits are our friends, at least that is what we tell ourselves. On the home front, it was not that easy, I was "a bitch", "Nasty", "argumentive", impatient, and asleep or passed out by 8. In my perspective, I was tired.
That all changed when I crashed into the telephone/electric pole ...
The image will never be erased. Smoke, airbags imploding, children screaming, my life changing.
Blood trickled from my nose, and my first thought was " my husband is going to kill me",,, of course not literally, but because I just crashed the new Volvo I recieved for Christmas. Then as I heard my daughter exclaiming, "Mom, Mom, can we get out of the car now,? " my instincts kicked in....save my children....get them safe, they were fine, Seat belted and just bruised, I was fine, bloody nose and an amazing neck pain that felt like someone had hit me with a baseball bat on the base of my neck...BUT more importantly..ALIVE.
I blew a 1.2, and the cop handcuffed me in the front, instead of in the back, a most uncomfortable position for the body to be in. Any other car, would have been split in half...we would have died.
I don't remember much of that night, due to the ringing in my ears, my head throbbing and the fact that I just kept thinking about how I just almost killed my children...it was horrible to say the least.
I woke up, not wanting to face the facts, defensive, angry...I hated myself.
My husband was angry, rightfully so, I almost took his lively hood away. But he listened, and he told me, he beleived in me. It was what I had been fighting for, for years....but had hidden behind alcohol.
I am not okay, nor will I be for a very long time, but what I AM, is ALIVE, I have my children, I did not harm a innocent bystander, I am not giving up. I have the most amazing friends and family, they have helped me, listened to me, and told me to stop playing the victum....I love them for their truth. I will fight this battle dailey, and even though it arised from the young age of 14, I will win. I am strong and George even though you thought I could not handle it as a 14 year old, I can handle it now!
Tomorrow, I will wake up, smelling my childrens fresh cleaned hair, holding their hands as we walk to school, kissing my husband and actually feeling his love. I was given a chance to Listen, and now I will try to Live the life I have been missing for over 20 years.
To George, who fucked me up, and probably many others, I feel sorry for you....you have lived a life of misory, hate, and most likely neglect...I hope you can find some kind of help, that will enable you to enjoy a life without regrets. It may be too late, but try, there is always hope.
Please contact me if anyone would like to talk...I am always here to listen...
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