What a long trip it's been

Almost a year has passed since I have written about my accident.  I have cried, laughed, snuggled my children harder and lived.  LIVED.

In order for me to get my license back, I was ordered to fulfill certain commitments , CRASH course, check, Intoxilock device installed for 6 months, check, therapy, check, criminal and civil court hearings and fees, check.  Even though these things look great on paper, they are a bitch to achieve.  The court systems don't talk with the government, and the government doesn't  talk to the lawyers, or the DMV and the DMV doesn't talk to the people who install your Intoxilock device..and so on and so on....In short communication is not clear in all of these systems.   What I thought would be 6 months of paying for a mistake, has now taken me 11 months.  It is 11 months I am grateful for, the discomfort, the pain, the suffering, and the depression.  I have become wiser, more aware, and settled.

It has not been easy living with me.  I usually get what I want, I am independent in many ways, and if things don't work out the way I intended them to, I am known to go a bit CRACRA.....(as my daughters can attest to).  But through this ordeal, I have managed to exercise a bit more control, an ability to contain my anxiety and let it work it's way out.  Breathe.

On the first day of Summer this year, I received my license.  I cried when my husband texted me, while I was sitting in the Hannafords' parking lot.  They were tears that have been suppressed, tears of joy and tears that reminded me how fortunate I am.  And as I tucked my children in that evening I cried with them.  In my arms.  I held them in my arms.  Tight.  A few months ago that could have not been the case.

I continue to go to therapy, there is so much stuff we hold back and try to forget, I have anxiety panic attacks in the middle of the night thinking of all the things I need to do, should have done and won't get done.  But I am learning to breathe.

On the list for today:  take the dogs for a walk with my kids ( Dick too if his leg allows him),
clean my car out, sage the hell out of it and me and my kids, and celebrate the Summer Solstice with friends and family.   That is a list I will go to bed with knowing I fulfilled.

I am excited to move on. Not willing to forget, and grateful for so many people who have pulled me through a rough patch in my life.   Thank you all