It has been a week since my license has been suspended. The first day after I realized I couldn't drive anymore to pick up that loaf of bread I wanted to eat with our dinner meal, or take my kids and dog to Mobbs, where they like to run wild and splash in the river, free and uninhibited, I felt horrible. Lifeless, almost hungover. I didn't want to move, I was depressed, withdrawn, and down right grumpy. I remember almost feeling nauseous. I didn't want to eat, just wanted to sleep and I was pissed. How dare they take away my license. What did I pay my lawyer to do anyway, show up in court and call it a day. It was a dark place for me to be in. What I really wanted to do was run away, hide and come out when it was all over. The mear mention of dialogue concerning what we were going to do for the week, plan wise, was just another kick in my ego. I am not used to loosing.
The day was gorgeous, 70's and sunny, and just one of those days you don't get in October. And luckily my kids and husband pulled me through. We had soccer, we had to grocery shop, the laundry needed to be done, I had to make arrangements on getting my kids to and from school the next day, I had to dig out my biking clothes, and most importantly, I had to find in myself the ability to ride 23 miles a day on that bike, to which I have not ridden in several years. Even though these things made the day go by, the uncomfortable angry darkness, still surrounded the glowing sunset that I watched as the evening slipped away. My kids are spoiled you see, they get a ride to school every morning, and they get picked up at a location that involves play time with friends, or an occasional read in the town library, or more importantly a play date at a friends house. They were not going to get that on Monday. Instead they would get an hour long ride in the morning, and an hour long ride in the afternoon, to their house, their boring, everyday, non eventful house. I could not kiss them goodbye as they sauntered into school, I could not gossip with the ladies at the front desk, There would be no greetings to fellow moms, and dads that were dropping their kids off and fulfilling their roles as parents. I was powerless, not in control, walking on territory that was unfamiliar to me. You see when George took my power away when I was young, I promised myself that I needed to fight, and not live a life of a victim, but be strong, powerful and independent. No man or thing would ever take that from me again. And yet there I stood, watching my kids step on a bus, that I was not driving, and going to a school that I could not enter to make sure it was safe, being independent, which I was not ready to embrace. It was sad, and frustrating and felt like a little piece of me, had just gotten lost.
That day I rode, 12.5 miles to work, hard, and what I thought was fast, but really not so much. The road was bumpy, full of cracks, potholes, cars that should have a sign saying" I hate cyclists", But I made it to work, and when it was time to ride home, I did so, with legs that were not in shape, and a pace that wouldn't win any races, but I did it, and the day still went by, the kids made it off the bus alive, and day three had arrived and passed.
I rode to work everyday except one, and each day the cracks got smaller, the traffic became obsolete, and the potholes became divots. I had forgotten how fall in Vermont felt. The crisp air, the smell of decaying leaves, the farm that had just spread it's manure, closing another pasture for its winter hibernation. I saw geese landing in the fields, floating on the river, hawks seeking their prey before they migrate, and watched the slow decomposition of the animals that were not so lucky at crossing the road to get to the other side. When I arrived home, my kids would either be just arriving off the bus, or because the school did not receive my emails, would be delivered to me by grateful friends, who feel like family. The anxiety, of not being in complete control lessened. And life still was.
Now, I look forward to biking into work, granted the first week was a blessing from Mother Nature with its mild temperatures, and foliage that just won't take no for an answer. I've gained a biking buddy, who goes out of the way to ride to or from work with me. I think my pace is improving, and I feel content. Sure, I am unable to hop into the car and go to the places I used to go to a the drop of a hat, but what I can do, is stop, observe, and take in what I have been missing in my hurried, fill every moment kind of day living. It will be colder next week, and a whole different feel to my morning rides, but it will be another lesson, of letting things go. Enjoying what you have in front of you, and not always symbolizing power with independence and comfort.
I think we often rush through life fulfilling our duties to ourselves and our children and families and we don't remember to slow down and enjoy even the little things...Todays' world is built on convenience and speed. It can destroy the beauty of being powerless. Sometimes we just need to let go to find what we have been missing, a much stronger power then we ever thought. Yes, I know this has been said before, through many Buddhist sayings, or enlightenment's, but to actually experience it is more powerful then reading about it.
