I was fourteen and babysitting a well known family in my hometown of Middlebury. I had the opportunity to continue what both my elder sisters had done, but now they were off to college and I took the job they had so carefully coveted. The pay was good, and the kids were amazing. At age 5 the eldest was reading Political science magazine, the youngest at 3 was hitting a golf ball more then 100 yards. They were wealthy, and owned a well known paint company, we loved their family as much as they appreciated ours. It all went to shit when on an occasional night, the husband would come home early, offer me a drink of gin and tonic as I cooked dinner for his kids, and he would sit watching the news. He did not put his kids to bed, nor did he sit with them for dinner, he was alone, drinking and waiting.
I was odd at fourteen. Not pretty, skinny, and some what geek like. I was nieve and knew nothing about disobeying my family. I was a Tom boy, loved to get dirty with the boys, ride bikes and hated dresses. It was this year that my outlook on life would change.
The nights became earlier that the husband came home, which would entail more Gin and Tonics, and soon I would be making dinner for him and the children, then putting the kids to bed, waiting for the wife to come home and then being driven home by him. It was thought out and carefully navigated, as the summer turned into fall and then winter, and I was babysitting later in the evenings, sometimes with him at home, because he did not want to deal with the children while he worked from home. By my fifteenth birthday, I was drinking at least 2-3 gin and tonics a night. I felt good, giddy, special...no other 15 year old was drinking in the presence of an adult with their consent, on a daily basis. Eventually, things turned south, there was the kiss in the driveway, after he would drive me home, and the shoulder rub in the kitchen as I finished the dishes before his wife came home. But the worst was the time spent once the kids went to bed, between 7 and 8:30 pm where I would be cleaning up, and he suggested he would do that later and to just come and watch the news and relax on the couch with him. What do you do, when you are young, and suppose to respect the adults of those you babysit for and who are paying you to do so. So I did. I sat and watched the news, drank the second gin and tonic and relaxed.
On my 15th and 1/2 birthday, I lost my virginity. Maybe not the way the normal human being may, but for me, it was my soul, and my body and I cried for hours, silently in bed alone. The gin and tonics turned into 3, and the news turned into porn, and as his clammy hands withered around my rigid clothed body, I felt my pants being unbuttoned and a stabbing pain enter my privates. I couldn't move, nor could I scream. I just took it, and cried internally to stop. He had taken away my most memorable moment, and I was ashamed.
From that moment on, I could not trust men, he was 30 years older then I, had a beautiful family, money, and an amazing job, but he chose to take my life, my happiness, my trust and my naivety away from me. I was alone. It was not until a year later that I told my best friend in secrecy for some kind of advice or help, she then told the whole school to which i was again made out to be a whore, or someone who was an easy.
Being that my dad worked in the school, it was not long until he heard about the so called event. I had many psychiatric meetings with my parents and self to figure out how I could go on living without feeling hateful to men. My parents thought it was my fault, and accused me of prompting the events that took place, my peers thought I was a sex maniac and home wrecker My sisters well, they knew I was telling the truth. Why, well because it had happened to them. Unfortunately they did not choose to let me know about the events that happened with them, or they did not think that I at such a young age would be affected. Well, let me tell you I was. And when my therapist told me way back in 1987 to report so called man to the authorities, I backed down. I thought of the kids that I had raised for 5 years, I thought of the wife, who had no idea, and I thought of the business and it's prominence throughout Middlebury. What I didn't think about, was myself. I was scared, lost, alone and bitter.
I've had many dreams about what I would do if I ever met him again. Perhaps I would cut off his penis, or ruin his lively hood,. I am changed from him. I carry it daily, throughout all my relationships, and struggle today with my husband. I pick unattractive babysitters, am jealous of his "girl"friends, do not trust him fully, and find myself bitter for being that way. It is a struggle I live daily, and will never forget, but as I write, I feel a bit of encouragement to those out there that may be in a similar situation, and this is my advice.
I AM HERE FOR YOU, AS A LISTENER, AND A SUPPORTER, you do not have to live your life this way, And that person that did this to you, is not even thinking about it, they think they have won, but they WILL NOT take your life from you. Be strong, stand up and fight, fight with all your strength to live your life to the fullest. I may have been young, but I still had a voice, I just did not know how to use it.
Peace